You're Too Good for Him

There are times in life when being single and alone can be especially tough. We may look around and see all our friends seemingly settled, nest-building and contented, maybe even contemplating starting their own families. We may find ourselves wondering what's wrong with us, why's that not me!

If we've been looking for our special someone for a long time we may gradually have become less discerning. When we finally find someone nice we may miss or choose to ignore signs that our new him or her is not right for us. What may be obvious to closest family and friends is that you're too good for him.

Problems can start to surface when;

- We meet someone who's in need of exactly what we're desperate to give. We may have a bottomless well of love, support, understanding, encouragement that's been undirected for a long time and now there's someone to look after, nurture and support. Check though. Are we being seduced into becoming a continual giver? It can seductive to be looked at adoringly, in 'that way', by someone who's apparently helpless and needing to be rescued.

- Trust your gut. If you're starting to feel uneasy or are spotting tell-tale signs that this pattern of behaviour works well for him you should call it out, push the pause button on the relationship, ask them to behave in a more independent way or suggest they seek therapy. It's when the situation becomes permanently one-way and we're starting to feel used and unappreciated that we may start to question if we're too good for him.

- It may be time to check our own behaviour too. Are we coaching our new partner as if we know what's best for them? Are we treating them as a mini-project, where we predict that our advice, encouragement and goal-setting will help them develop their potential and achieve amazing results. If that's the case, a better question may be do they share those goals and aspirations?

- People bring different qualities and attributes to a relationship. One may be the better looking, younger, more financially secure, better educated or more successful in certain areas. Friends and family may wonder what's going on, may be concerned that their friend is being taken for a ride, is too good for their new partner. They may be suspicious as to the reasons behind the relationship. But each person brings their own attributes and contributions to a relationship which are sometimes impossible to quantify. It's important to keep an appreciation of the subtleties that occur behind closed doors.

- We've all met people who are drains, whilst others are radiators. Some people seem programmed to always be the ones who take. They are perhaps badly damaged, suspicious of others, with no capacity to reciprocate. If we don't set boundaries in place and state when we've given enough, that we want a little caring in return, we may end up feeling resentful as their sense of entitlement grows. When we allow the situation to continue that's our responsibility. Being good doesn't require becoming a doormat.

- Sometimes the very things that attract us in the beginning become the things that ultimately turn us off. The easy-going charmer may have seemed lovable, relaxed and fun at the start of our relationship. But over time we may despair at his lack of motivation, his apparent laziness and lack of personal effort or interest. Being good means accepting others as they are and realising that sometimes we change, our needs change, what we're looking for from a relationship can change.

- We may tire at always being the one who makes plans, earns the money, wants to get on in life, makes the effort to do new things. Discuss how you're feeling and keep honest channels of communication open from where to negotiate improvements. But is it really him that's changed or have you simply outgrown the original unspoken basis upon which your relationship was built? Is it time to respectfully move on?

- We teach people how to treat us. If we're compliant, at times uncertain as to what to say, fear any hint of confrontation or argument, are nervous or lacking in confidence about how to change things we may find ourselves accepting bad behaviour. But being good enough means reminding others of your worth, your value and that you deserve to be treated well. On a practical level you could remind them of what you've done and teach them to appreciate you; even the weekly chores, organising a social event, being the regular driver, are all worthy of appreciation.

- Ask for compromise. 'I'll do this for you but want you to return the favour and do that for me.' Small steps at first can effect great changes and introduce a more evenly balanced relationship over time. Be responsible for your boundaries and say when you feel that you've done enough.

When you change the dynamics of your relationship and insist on a more adult, balanced energy everyone starts to behave in a more adult fashion. Celebrate your uniqueness and recognise that we're all good in our own way. Our goal is to be ourselves but at the same time demonstrate mutual respect and appreciation for others.